I want to be better.
If there is one thing I struggle with it is my fatalistic self confidence. I am harder on myself than anyone I know. My constant need to out-do myself generally ends in disappointing myself. I'm writing about this because in recent weeks, I have decided to get help for this. I have been taking medication to fight my depression and even though I am in the early stages, I am starting to feel better.
I have been struggling with this for has what felt like years and I truly have not known any other way to feel. It was normal for me to be constantly beating myself up for not being as far along in life as everyone else and for not feeling adequate in my own life. In a world where everything is about instant gratification, I'm not writing this to be praised. I just need it off my chest. I have been very open and honest with friends and family in seeking treatment, and I don't think there is a reason to hide anymore. The more I opened up, the more I have come to realize that everyone is going through a similar struggle.
Looking through the photography work I have produced in the last year, it is not exactly colourful and uplifting, I've noticed the contrast and darkness in my style. I do love a good dramatic portrait, but I don't want to be seen as dark and stormy. I want to feel as excited about life in my photography as I am in my own life. Which is why I am writing this, I am more than my unbalanced brain chemistry and I am no longer fearful that I will lose my edge. Being a "depressed artist" is not a stereotype I would like to live up to.
I know now, that I am not alone. I have a network of people that I can rely on. They are there to push me and support me in whatever way they can. I have also made a conscious effort to cut out negative people from my life, and this has been a process for myself over the last three years. Recently I had a run in with a family member that I have had a rocky relationship with that ended badly. Needless to say, that person is no longer a part of my life. Sure, there is some pain that comes along with cutting people off, but at the end of the day, my health is my priority and having that person in my life was not good for my wellbeing or theirs.
I am nowhere near where I want to be, I want to be better and I am working daily to get there. Even if that means watching marathons of The X-Files a couple of nights a week when my anxiety levels are too high to "deal with life," I will. I am not broken. I am just a little wounded, but I'll heal, and every day is a new day. Hope is something I'm not used to feeling, but I am hopeful. I have hope in my ability to see life as a gift, to use my talent to push myself to where I want to be, and to push myself out of my comfort zone and live my life instead of hiding from it.
There is more to life to than just surviving. I want to create a life that is full of excitement and love and that starts with me.
The photo above was taken on my trip to Ireland, during the roadtrip with Jess, we stopped at a beach to take some photos. While she stayed down at the beach taking photos, I sat on a rock as the sunset took over the sky and I listened to the water crash against the shore. I looked out at the crystal blue water and saw the rocks around me glow orange with the sun. The colours were breathtaking, the air smelled like salt water and I could feel the oxygen invading my brain. I remember the wind blowing the hairs around my face as I watched the scene unfold in front of me. I felt this calm peace in my heart. I felt alive and that I was part of something.
There is more to life than waiting for it to start. I want to be better and I will.